MLB Baseball Recap: Final statistics from the Arizona vs. Chicago game played on April 23, 2014
WILMINGTON, Del. — On Wednesday Bank of America surprised customers by unveiling a new $5 fee on half-eaten complimentary suckers, effective June 1, 2014.
“The fee will help us recover the costs of discarding the lollipop, replenishing our stock, and watching you pathetic wage slaves suck down 40 grams of sugar,” said Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan.
Sources say the fee begins to accrue interest 12 seconds after it’s assessed, and is doubled for lollipops that are artificially flavored or attached to a stick.
Consumer advocates claim Bank of America is exploiting a loophole in the Plodd-Stank Act, which prohibits banks from charging for lollipops, but does not address fees for unfinished treats.
“It’s a typical bank maneuver: Entice consumers with a free service, then hit them with hidden fees,” said Lisa Donner, director of Americans for Financial Reform. “What’s next, a fee for the privilege of holding your money in a checking account?”
According to internal memos, Bank of America also plans to charge customers $5 for every deposit slip used as a “rough draft,” and $3 for “looking sideways at a teller.”
John Clark just needs a second to finish this sucker.
- student: hey government can I have some money to go to university
- uk government: sure here you go. you'll have to pay it back but only when you're earning £21,000+ a year, and if you don't pay it off after 30 years we'll just write it off, don't worry about it man
- scottish government: nah man just go to uni we ain't gonna charge you
- us government: no. you gotta pay it yourself. upfront. your parents have to save up from the moment you're born. good luck, fucker. you have six months after graduating to start paying loans so you better pray to fucking god and jesus that you have a well-paying job by then or be prepared to be fucked up the ass without lube.